Reflecting on Shades...
I have been looking for a reason to start blogging again and here it is. What started as a random read because I found the book for $2 at a thrift store, turned into a multi-week obsession that has now come to an end. After finishing the Shade of Grey Trilogy, here are my thoughts...
Impossible love is fascinating.
Frankly, the sex scenes in the book I cared about the least. I was more into the love story. The idea that this controlling, wealthy man with all of these issues could randomly meet and fall in love with this plain jane, uncontrollable woman. The idea that she was able to capture his heart in such a way that his love was at times painful, selfless and reckless. It's interesting how people can be drawn to unhealthy relationships but can't explain why they love the person - they just do and can't stop. In some ways I'm envious of that love they had - passionate, impossible and just plain crazy. I wonder if I can ever feel that intense and if someone will ever feel that way about me...just wondering.Yassssss to Romance.
Romance never gets old. Neither does chivalry. I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't melt when I read the many romantic gestures. It's a great feeling to know that someone put effort into trying to make you feel special. It's not just about money and how grand the gesture as I can't speak enough how the little things are just as effective, if not more. A note on your car, a surprise lunch, that random email, flowers. Yes, flowers. Not the most practical thing money can buy, but then again can you put a price on a smile? That moment when you realize the delivery is for you? "Delivery for who? me?" And then there's glancing at them periodically during the day and in this day and age - the instagram post lol. In this day and age when some men have abandoned simple acts like holding the door, or letting women off the elevator first, I will not give up on the chivalrous man. Still holding on to hope for romance.Submission is a sign of strength not weakness.
Most women view submission as rendering yourself powerless, inferior. I recall my mother, a devout Christian, talking to me before I got married about my marital vows and how I have to submit to my husband...quoting scripture: Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (NIV)In that moment I cringed and replied, "I'm down with all that other stuff...but submission? I'm not so sure I'm feeling it." I have always believed in traditional male and female roles in relationships...sort of ...when it comes to the man being the head of the household at least (topic for another blog). How did I believe this, but not believe in submission? Oh the difference a divorce can make. The ability to surrender complete authority to your husband*** and empower him to take care of you, be responsible for your family's well being and ultimately entrust him with your life is an act of strength, loyalty and dedication. A weak woman won't understand this and my, I'm glad that I've grown. Given the opportunity to submit, I gladly embrace it. The opportunity to support my mate and be a partner in this thing called life, but to also respect his position of power and the security of knowing I have someone who has willing taken responsibility for my life, our life.
***Notice I said husband. While I do think trust is important in a relationship, entrusting a boyfriend with complete authority over your life will likely add undue stress and tension in a relationship possibly preventing you from even making it to that next level. I do, however, believe you have to experience situations with your boyfriend that allow him to demonstrate that you can give him that power in the future.
Setting communication boundaries with friends and families is critical to the success of your relationship.
If you decide to engage in a relationship with a crazy man that freaky beats you, keep it to yourself - especially if you intend to stay with him. The reality is other people will likely never understand your relationship because they're not in it. They may be able to relate but they will never to truly experience how you feel because they are simply not there - inside your heart, inside your head or inside your body. Instead, if you share with them all the crazy ish that happens, they start to develop their own feelings - feelings that won't wane after you've made up with you mate and moved on. Then time that you'd usually spend enjoying your friendships you'll now spend explaining why you're okay and why you're still with the troublemaker. This may turn into public scowls from your friends and family, distant holidays and plenty of awkward moments and resentment - ultimately resulting in deteriorating friendships. Sucks doesn't it?Practice restraint in over sharing with people outside of your relationship. In the end, if it works for you just as it worked for Christian and Ana, that's all that matters.
Love is not enough.
I knew this before reading this book series, but it's always great for this principle to be reinforced. Even though they were hopelessly in love, they both had to make concessions and changes to make the relationship work. She had to succumb, in part, to his need for control because she knew he had to have that. He had to let go of some of his controlling behaviors because he knew she couldn't handle it. It would have been much easier for her to go be with the fine photographer who was also in love with her and much less demaning. It would have been easier for him to be with any of his other subs that knew his deal and could handle it. But they built on their foundation of love with hard work, compromise and diligence. They stayed together using love as an anchor but didn't rely on it to carry everything.Now for the Bull Sh*t...
Because everything in the book can't be realistic, otherwise we wouldn't read it.
The chances your man will be crazy AND wealthy are slim.
The chances your man will be crazy are high. Everyone has a little crazy in them right? But rich and crazy. Don't count it. Yep, I'd let my man freaky beat me if that means I get an Audi R8, my own company plus a driver. But hey, I'm just. not. feeling. this whole work thing right now. Just be real with yourself about the level of crazy that you can put up with and realize it will likely not be attached to a rich d*ck.Your best friend will likely NOT end up dating your man's handsome brother or best friend.
The odds that the stars align and you are single and end up dating a man who happens to have a hot eligible brother that is perfect for your equally hot available best friend are so slim I wouldn't even statistically try to explain it. Let's just hope that whomever you date is able to, at a minimum, be cool with your best friend's significant other and gets along with your family. Because when your mate doesn't fit into your circle it is challenging - group trips, birthdays and holidays just aren't as fun.A man with deep rooted psychological issues doesn't make radical improvement quickly.
I know most women feel that they've got that "magical snatch" that is the cure for any man's ailments. However, if you think you will meet a dude who was birthed by a woman that he calls a "crack whore", has cigarette burns on his chest and was made a submissive to an old married woman at the age of 15 will suddenly warm to your touch, fall in love and marry you - keep dreaming. Chances are if he really exists and survived all that ish, he isn't looking for love - he's living the struggle because he probably wasn't adopted by a rich family that "saved" him.Things don't work out just because you have amazing sex and crazy love.
It seemed like every page I turned there was sex. Got in a fight? I'm going to f* the anger out of you. Almost died? Let's f* tonight. You're pregnant? I'm mad but let's f* and it will be okay. "Oh, Christian. Oh, Ana." Love, love, love. Sex, sex, sex. Blah, blah, blah. Fellas - if you're crazy as hell and NOT RICH, your woman will probably get tired of your ish and eventually leave you. Ladies - if your man has an obsession with being controlling (namely BDSM) and always wants to smack you in your smart mouth or spank you, he will eventually beat you and/or leave you. Probably both.Overall this was an interesting series that I wouldn't read again and will likely not retain for my book collection. However, it did make me think - how many shades do I have? "Mercurial Megan" may be my next post.
Until next time,
12.4.1
