Book Debrief: Shades of Grey Trilogy

Reflecting on Shades...

I have been looking for a reason to start blogging again and here it is. What started as a random read because I found the book for $2 at a thrift store, turned into a multi-week obsession that has now come to an end. After finishing the Shade of Grey Trilogy, here are my thoughts...

Impossible love is fascinating. 

Frankly, the sex scenes in the book I cared about the least. I was more into the love story. The idea that this controlling, wealthy man with all of these issues could randomly meet and fall in love with this plain jane, uncontrollable woman. The idea that she was able to capture his heart in such a way that his love was at times painful, selfless and reckless. It's interesting how people can be drawn to unhealthy relationships but can't explain why they love the person - they just do and can't stop. In some ways I'm envious of that love they had - passionate, impossible and just plain crazy. I wonder if I can ever feel that intense and if someone will ever feel that way about me...just wondering.

Yassssss to Romance.

Romance never gets old. Neither does chivalry. I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't melt when I read the many romantic gestures. It's a great feeling to know that someone put effort into trying to make you feel special. It's not just about money and how grand the gesture as I can't speak enough how the little things are just as effective, if not more. A note on your car, a surprise lunch, that random email,  flowers. Yes, flowers. Not the most practical thing money can buy, but then again can you put a price on a smile? That moment when you realize the delivery is for you? "Delivery for who? me?" And then there's glancing at them periodically during the day and in this day and age - the instagram post lol. In this day and age when some men have abandoned simple acts like holding the door, or letting women off the elevator first, I will not give up on the chivalrous man. Still holding on to hope for romance.

Submission is a sign of strength not weakness.

Most women view submission as rendering yourself powerless, inferior. I recall my mother, a devout Christian, talking to me before I got married about my marital vows and how I have to submit to my husband...quoting scripture: Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (NIV)

In that moment I cringed and replied, "I'm down with all that other stuff...but submission? I'm not so sure I'm feeling it." I have always believed in traditional male and female roles in relationships...sort of ...when it comes to the man being the head of the household at least (topic for another blog). How did I believe this, but not believe in submission? Oh the difference a divorce can make. The ability to surrender complete authority to your husband*** and empower him to take care of you, be responsible for your family's well being and ultimately entrust him with your life is an act of strength, loyalty and dedication. A weak woman won't understand this and my, I'm glad that I've grown. Given the opportunity to submit, I gladly embrace it. The opportunity to support my mate and be a partner in this thing called life, but to also respect his position of power and the security of knowing I have someone who has willing taken responsibility for my life, our life.

***Notice I said husband. While I do think trust is important in a relationship, entrusting a boyfriend with complete authority over your life will likely add undue stress and tension in a relationship possibly  preventing you from even making it to that next level. I do, however, believe you have to experience situations with your boyfriend that allow him to demonstrate that you can give him that power in the future.

Setting communication boundaries with friends and families is critical to the success of your relationship.

If you decide to engage in a relationship with a crazy man that freaky beats you, keep it to yourself - especially if you intend to stay with him. The reality is other people will likely never understand your relationship because they're not in it. They may be able to relate but they will never to truly experience how you feel because they are simply not there - inside your heart, inside your head or inside your body. Instead, if you share with them all the crazy ish that happens, they start to develop their own feelings - feelings that won't wane after you've made up with you mate and moved on. Then time that you'd usually spend enjoying your friendships you'll now spend explaining why you're okay and why you're still with the troublemaker. This may turn into public scowls from your friends and family, distant holidays and plenty of awkward moments and resentment - ultimately resulting in deteriorating friendships. Sucks doesn't it?

Practice restraint in over sharing with people outside of your relationship. In the end, if it works for you just as it worked for Christian and Ana, that's all that matters.

Love is not enough.

I knew this before reading this book series, but it's always great for this principle to be reinforced. Even though they were hopelessly in love, they both had to make concessions and changes to make the relationship work. She had to succumb, in part, to his need for control because she knew he had to have that. He had to let go of some of his controlling behaviors because he knew she couldn't handle it. It would have been much easier for her to go be with the fine photographer who was also in love with her and much less demaning. It would have been easier for him to be with any of his other subs that knew his deal and could handle it. But they built on their foundation of love with hard work, compromise and diligence. They stayed together using love as an anchor but didn't rely on it to carry everything.

Now for the Bull Sh*t...

Because everything in the book can't be realistic, otherwise we wouldn't read it. 

The chances your man will be crazy AND wealthy are slim.

The chances your man will be crazy are high. Everyone has a little crazy in them right? But rich and crazy. Don't count it. Yep, I'd let my man freaky beat me if that means I get an Audi R8, my own company plus a driver. But hey, I'm just. not. feeling. this whole work thing right now. Just be real with yourself about the level of crazy that you can put up with and realize it will likely not be attached to a rich d*ck.

Your best friend will likely NOT end up dating your man's handsome brother or best friend.

The odds that the stars align and you are single and end up dating a man who happens to have a hot eligible brother that is perfect for your equally hot available best friend are so slim I wouldn't even statistically try to explain it. Let's just hope that whomever you date is able to, at a minimum, be cool with your best friend's significant other and gets along with your family.  Because when your mate doesn't fit into your circle it is challenging - group trips, birthdays and holidays just aren't as fun.

A man with deep rooted psychological issues doesn't make radical improvement quickly.

I know most women feel that they've got that "magical snatch" that is the cure for any man's ailments. However, if you think you will meet a dude who was birthed by a woman that he calls a "crack whore", has cigarette burns on his chest and was made a submissive to an old married woman at the age of 15 will suddenly warm to your touch, fall in love and marry you - keep dreaming. Chances are if he really exists and survived all that ish, he isn't looking for love - he's living the struggle because he probably wasn't adopted by a rich family that "saved" him.

Things don't work out just because you have amazing sex and crazy love.

It seemed like every page I turned there was sex. Got in a fight? I'm going to f* the anger out of you. Almost died? Let's f* tonight. You're pregnant? I'm mad but let's f* and it will be okay. "Oh, Christian. Oh, Ana." Love, love, love. Sex, sex, sex. Blah, blah, blah. Fellas - if you're crazy as hell and NOT RICH, your woman will probably get tired of your ish and eventually leave you. Ladies - if your man has an obsession with being controlling (namely BDSM) and always wants to smack you in your smart mouth or spank you, he will eventually beat you and/or leave you. Probably both.


Overall this was an interesting series that I wouldn't read again and will likely not retain for my book collection. However, it did make me think - how many shades do I have? "Mercurial Megan" may be my next post. 

Until next time, 
12.4.1 

It's a New Year...Now What?

Each year I start off thinking about my goals, action plans, how to be better, live better, eat better and so on... And somehow at the end of each year, I look up and don't know wtf happened ?!?!? A lot happened during 2011 - I got a new job (topic for a separate post), experienced my first year of marriage (also a topic for a separate post), my sister and niece moved in with me...I'll just stop there. But do I feel like a better me after 2011? - not really.

Going into 2012, I'd like to keep life simple. I'd like to get back to living! Not existing - LIVING! Laughing, smiling, reading - enjoying each moment. Spending time with my family and friends more often and I'm not talking about on Facebook! I'd like to get closer to finding my passion and perfect the are of saying "NO".

I'm 18 months from 30 and I want more to show for it than I have right now. If I die or become incapacitated in some way - I want to be at peace knowing I lived and loved - myself! I've made a personal list of things I'd like to accomplish before 30 and majority of them revolve around me. I've spent so much of my life focused on giving back and doing for others, the best gift I can give myself is to take care of me.

I am hopeful and prayerful this year will be a pivotal year in my life. A year where I can take my life back and truly live.

My motto for 2012 is to "Just Do It". Whoever came up with that for Nike is a genius! The combination of those three words speaks to how I'm going to get through another year. I'm going to do what my heart, mind, soul and body desires.

2012 let's do this!

xoxo

~emtee

And then there was "Beardy"...

I was working on a project where no one liked to meet in person - everyone LOVED to have conference calls. The culmination of the project resulted in a series of in person meetings. Day one was a little awkward - as each person walked in the door you instantly starting trying to match a face with a voice. A person almost NEVER looks like what they sound like on the phone before you meet them. After day one of introductions, everything was cool. No real shockers. But as we wrapped the day, someone mentioned "Beardy will be here tomorrow." Beardy? lol. Yep. Beardy. And you can guess what his most prominent feature is upon meeting him.

So of course, I forget about Beardy until I walk into the building the next day and press the elevator button. And for a brief moment, I'm excited! I'm looking forward to meeting Beardy...Is his beard long? Is it patchy? Does he dye it? How will I react? I pull myself together as I arrive on the floor. As soon as I walk in the door, there he was. Beardy.

It's funny that people give random nicknames to colleagues. I have to admit, I've done it! I'm actually laughing to myself right now thinking of the names that i've heard. This all my leaves me to wonder what people call me at work? I really don't know! Corporate thug maybe? lol

What do you think people call you behind your back? What are some of the nicknames you've heard for colleagues? Dish!

The Oprah Effect

Unless you're living in a cave, you probably know that this week was the last week of the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah has meant a lot of different things to a lot of people. I think we can all agree she's been an inspiration to us all in one way or another. She's shown an interest in people, topics and places that otherwise might not have been known. She grew from being a Mississippi-born black baby into one of the most powerful women in the world. Sometimes people underestimate the magnitude of the significance of her success. Oprah is BLACK and a WOMAN who rose to a position of power and influence on a talk show in a country where just years prior she couldn't even use the same toilet as her fans! She is a public figure that has transcended race, socio-economic circumstances, gender and physical appearances in a world where "image" is everything. I can't think of anyone else off the top of my head who has done that or even come close.

And while there aren't many days that I've been able to be in front of my TV at 4:00, Oprah has affected me. She has shown me the power of giving. I watch her "favorite things" and dreams shows not wishing I was on the show, but rather wishing I was capable of making people's dreams comes true, improving people's lives and rewarding those who have made measurable efforts to make this world a better place. There are many times I cried with joy watching the smiles and happiness of perhaps a young girl severely burned in a fire that is still going strong or a mom that survived the death of her kids to go on and adopt four more. Oprah has provided a platform for the revelation of stories that touch your heart no matter who you are or where you're from. Lastly, in the final hour, she went public with her faith in GOD and acknowledged her blessings as she is truly a woman of much FAVOR. Though I believe this acknowlegement was late in the game, it's important for people to see that she is not taking all the credit for her success and recognizes the role God has played in her life. She leaves me inspired to dream big, take action and give back.

Hats off to Oprah for 25 years of greatness.

Food for thought: Will anyone care when Jerry Springer finally goes off the air?

A H*e Without a Pimp has no Protection

Tonight I went to dinner with a colleague and while we discussed an array of topics, guess what we ALWAYS discuss??? Work. What else? Both of us pawns in the hands of "the man" reflected on how over the years we've watched senior management identify the "chosen" ones. You know, the one who is always sought after, always busy, always in the spotlight. The person that is always recommended for the company task force attacking critical issues like how often should leadership leave four minute voicemails, how do people feel about the coffee mugs distributed as part of the green iniative or conducting interviews for the company newsletter. I'm not diminishing the importance of these company initiatives or downplaying people's roles, I'm just saying people are typically involved in those things because they "got chose" or they aspire to be chosen.

Getting chosen has it's pros and cons. On one hand, it's flattering and beneficial to career success to be recognized by senior management as a go-to person that gets things done and is willing to take on tasks that extend beyond pre-defined responsibilities. It's these auxiliary activities that get people put on the fast track up the ladder or at a minimum a personalized desk plaque. But let's be real, all of these extra activies get you no more money, take up your free time and potentially could lead to more aggravation in the short term. Your cheerleader, sponsor or mentor can also be referred to by another word - your pimp. This is your "procurer of opportunities" who in return is molding you into a competent member of the organization in hopes that your rise to management over time will lead to higher profitability, increased stock prices or perhaps a fully funded pension (a person can dream). There is also the bonus of being the person that "discovered" you before your rise to the top. Yep - you were made.

So wait, if your cheerleader is the pimp, then you are...? Yep. You guessed it. You're the h*e. And while it sounds bad and you think about all the work that you'll put in for your pimp, remember - a h*e without a pimp has no protection. That is, those who aren't chosen, can slip through the cracks unrecognized, unmotivated and lacking support. You need someone in your corner, guiding your moves and keeping you abreast of the silent rules of success.

Now go out there and GET CHOSE!!!
(cue the Project Pat)

My "Four Letter" Words ~ F@#D

As I mentioned previously, I've have several failed attempts at starting a blog, one of which was "My Four Letter Words". I'm not talking about those words that got you beat as a child - @zz, B*, D@#%, S^&!. I'm talking about words that might not be bad for everyone but they're bad for me. The first word that might single handedly be ruining my life is...FOOD! And if you want to know how I really feel, I have to say F@#! F@#d!!!

I've been in an ongoing battle with food over the years. One minute we're friends, the next we're enemies. One minute it's comforting me, the next I can't stand to look at it. The root of this struggle stems from the way I view food. On a day when I work hard and late (and I'm privy to a company food allowance), what better way to reward myself than with a glass (or two) of wine, truffle fries, candy? Boss stressing me out, colleagues getting on my nerves, what's the cure? That good Baskin Robbins run...Pralines'n cream, chocolate chip cookie dough in a waffle cup of course. Or my new-new find - the birthday cake shake from Zaxby's (it's the devil!)

As I look back at pictures, I see the evidence of how my battle with food has yo-yo'd over the years. Summer 2008 #winning. Summer 2010 - not so much. Whether I admit it or not, the way I look in pictures affects my mood (and in some cases my memory). If someone says, "Hey girl, you remember Homecoming 2007...we had so much fun!", my mind automatically recalls an image of me in 2007 (bronze dress, micro-braids, one chip away) and in a matter of seconds, I can respond, "'07 was aight but you know which one was da bomb**??? Homecoming 2008!!!" (bandage dress sans equipment, defined "guns" and calves).

Sure, it's not all about what's on the outside but what's on the outside affects the inside and vice versa. I want to live a long, healthy life. I want to have my money in my pockets and not in the hands of insurance providers, doctors and pharmacists. I also don't want to pay for drinks, entry for the club, be hassled when I make store returns or be "that" friend - you know the one that stands in the back of the pics, always offers to take the pics or hates all the pictures she's in and secretly deletes your memories because she doesn't like how she looks in the pic (not that I've ever done that ;-/). The reality is people are influenced by your appearance including you!!! In having a conversation with my better half about my ever changing hair (topic to save for another day), he pointed out that I project my self-image onto other people thus influencing how they interact with me. So does he mean on those days when my freshly done hair is blowing in the wind, make-up is on point and stilettos on deck, people aren't checking for me because I look better but rather it's my confidence garnering the attention? n#$%@ please lol.

All that to say, it's time to make a change. Today I end my love affair with f@#d. Today I identify new ways to comfort myself, better ways to reward myself and steps to achieve an all around healthier lifestyle. I know I can't do it overnight but what I won't do is weightwatch, fat smash, quicktrim or any other unsustainable methods. I'm going old school - eat less/more responsibly and workout more. Revolutionary, I know. No more games. It's time to just do it.

Ice cream better MOUNT UP!!!

Just the Beginning...(I hope)

I've been trying for some time now to start a blog. I've tried so many different themes, titles and sites that wordpress and blogger will most likely start charging me for all the names I'm holding hostage. Hair, finance, fashion, corporate america, fitness....all topics I've wanted to write about at some time or another. But, why choose? Why commit to a topic knowing that my thoughts change more frequently than Nicki Minaj changes wigs?

I needed a universal blog title that is linked to what makes me unique...why am I me? The first thing that popped in my head was "12 schools". My claim to fame is 12 schools before college and it had nothing to do with military, foster homes, etc... the typical reasons people would expect. My parents were just always on the move for one reason or another (career, love, sanity) which is why I believe I am genetically pre-dispositioned to seek, create and love CHANGE.

So after talking this over with my better half, here it is...Twelve. Four. One. - Twelve schools...four states...ONE experience. Join me as I continue the odyssey that is my life shaped by my diverse experiences over the years. Watch me change. Watch me grow. Join in!!!